Monday, Briefly.

Feeling: Sick, tired, and tired of being sick. I’ve officially been unwell for an entire month now, between having strep, surgery (which caused a throat injury), throat infection, vertigo, steroid-induced insomnia, and now — because I wasn’t given antibiotics for long enough — acute bronchitis. Ironically, the “invasive head surgery” part seems to have gone perfectly, and if I hadn’t had the complications, I’d have been back on my feet weeks ago.

Doing: Very little. Anyone wondering if I’ve been lazy and/or procrastinating lately should reread the above. I am doing what I can every minute that I can — which is why this blog post was written at 3 am — and a few more things powered by sheer force of will, but I’m behind on a lot. If you’re waiting on me for something, I will get to it. Probably right after I get a full night’s sleep. Or at least, on a day that I can actually breathe.

Listening to: “Uptown Funk”, still, especially because I found out the glorious Dap Kings provided the horns for this song. Video here. It’s fun, it hearkens back to hate-era disco (as in “everyone hates disco”), it features Bruno Mars — who’s starting to impress me with his interest in reviving older musical styles within his largely pop playlist — and did I mention the horn section?

Watching: I saw

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (the first 45 minutes could have been 20, but otherwise, a better film than I expected, and cements Ben Stiller on my very short list of Hollywood celebrities I’d actually want to have a conversation with).

Gremlins, because my son had never seen it. A lot of the dark, campy humor was lost on him — and more noticeable to me than I’d remembered — but he liked Gizmo enough to want a T-shirt with him on it.

Big Hero Six, because my son actually asked if we could watch this, and he rarely likes age-appropriate stuff. (He’s all Blues Clues and Walking Dead. No, I don’t let him watch Walking Dead, outside of the zombie scenes.) It was fun, touching, and while it was limited to a very tight PoV and almost no one did anything important except the MC, all of that focus was on a bright, awkward, Asian kid who wasn’t treated like a minority, just a person, living in a multi ethnic world.

I’m still watching iZombie, Jane the Virgin, and Grimm, whenever there’s a new episode. Other stuff too, if someone else is or I’m really, really, bored, but those are the only three shows on TV that I’m not burnt out on or tired of hoping will improve.

Reading: started Jeff Vandermeer’s Annihilation.

Writing: Revising last week’s 1700 word SF story into about 2500, when I figured out there would be no character arc unless I added to the beginning. Also trying to finish a 750 word story for this (deadline 4/26/15).

What are you into lately?

Post Surgery Update: Two Weeks and… Um. Yeah.

Two weeks ago, I took a week off of work to have surgery, recover, and spend a little time catching up on some projects for myself. Turns put, only part of that happened. Surgery? Check. Recovery? Eh… Still in progress. Getting stuff done? In bits and pieces… But nowhere near like what I expected.

I have been too tired to watch television. Too dizzy to read. Sleeping 20 hours a day, in little naps, or not sleeping at all. The first time, last week, I felt better and ready to get back on track — I had a huge setback, and it took days to get better. I did! In time to go back to work. But I wasn’t done recovering, I guess, because I woke up Sunday morning with vertigo. It’s one of those side effects you usually get right away or not at all, and since I felt great immediately after the surgery, I wasn’t expecting this.

I have to remember that I’m wired to be strong, in the moment: having surgery or a baby or dealing with emergencies… I’m present and capable and make it work. But sometimes there’s a price to pay for that, and for me that’s having the physical or emotional reaction after the fact, when it’s safe to do so. Not always convenient, but better than falling apart when I need to be focused instead. I don’t know if what’s kept me from healing has been that I was sick just a few days before the surgery, or the throat injury/infection I got from the breathing tube, or if I somehow got water inside of my ear canal (which was supposed to healed closed by now), or that last week was unbelievably stressful — or all of those things together. It doesn’t really matter, because the situation is what is.

I’m going to lose a week of work, without pay. I’m dizzy and nauseated and exhausted. I’m on a steroid to reduce the swelling in my ear (what’s causing the vertigo) so that it doesn’t permanently damage my hearing. I’m on another drug to reduce the dizziness, though I still can’t drive or turn 90 degrees around a corner without losing my balance. Even reading my tablet as I write this hurts my head, and I think I need to go back to bed again.

But the only way out is through. I will be better in a few days. I already know that my hearing in greatly improved, and the sounds I was frightened of losing, I get to keep listening to, for a long time. And now I have whole new experiences to write about, when the world stops spinning.

What’s An Introvert To Do?

I’ve been at my new day job for seven weeks now. In that time, I’ve posted on Twitter or Facebook only a handful of times; published three blog posts here; checked my email occasionally, but not nearly as often as before. In the past, I’ve gone quiet when I’ve been overwhelmed with life — gone into hiding, in a way, from everything that threatened to topple over and bury me under its weight.

This is  not that.

I work in a place that provides a wide range of services to members of our community, most of whom don’t have other options. Continue reading

Money and Me: 2014 Edition

At the beginning of 2014, I started a project that would turn out to be far more ambitious than I’d expected, and ultimately change my life in big ways and small. I made a budget. For most people, that’s a small thing itself. For me –

I grew up poor, and that never really got better. I can’t remember a time I felt as though I had enough money to pay my bills, month after month, for more than a couple of months in a row. Over the years I got into bad habits with money, the kind of habits that come from knowing, for a sure and certain fact, that you will never be able to afford everything you need to get by, and you’re going to have to choose which thing to pay, and which to incur late fees on, or lose completely. Tiny, insignificant, choices, become monumental. Deciding whether to take my son to McDonalds for an order of chicken nuggets becomes a choice between giving my child a treat he’s been begging for all week, when he is cold and not feeling well and we haven’t been able to afford toys or movies or treats of any other kind and I already feel terrible that I can never do for him what other parents do for their kids — or washing a load of laundry we’ll need to get him into clean clothes for the school week. After a while, any money that comes in is paying off what’s already behind, and there’s never any hope that you’ll be able to build up savings, and the things you need to be even remotely comfortable and fed and safe are added to a growing list of things you mean to buy, someday, when you can…

The last couple of years have been the hardest for me that I’ve been through in a long time, but while all of that was happening, I figured out that I had everything I’d need for a good life right in front of me. In pieces, anyway. I had my writing, my son, the ability to do well at an administrative day job, and someone who made me want to be a better/more successful person. I had drive and skills, but those bad habits and some obstacles that felt impossible to overcome (debt, a lack of stable childcare, a horrible living situation) fed into the lack of hope that kept me from thinking any plan I put into place would actually work. Eventually I decided the future I could have was worth trying for, even though I was certain that everything I reached for would eventually be taken away. Continue reading